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That Time R. Kelly Asked Me On A Date

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A true story.

As a young social person in Chicago who'd heard many firsthand accounts of other young social people in the city meeting R. Kelly, I'd always hoped it was in the cards for me too. Considering the R&B icon and Chicago native isn't afraid of a party, I assumed that I might bump (n' grind) into him at some after-hours thing at a club or maybe at the Rock N Roll McDonald's on Ohio & Ontario where my friend Molly randomly met him once at 3 in the morning. Never did I imagine he would move into the recording studio down the hall from my office. Or ask me on a date.

John Gara for BuzzFeed

My coworker Tristan came rushing into the office one morning. "I'm pretty sure there's a homeless guy in the bathroom," he said in a panic.

"Oh, god." Not again. Prior to our structural engineering firm moving into our new building, we were one of the last tenants in our old building before it was torn down. We'd occasionally run into various riffraff looking for loot in the vacant suites — my wallet was stolen once, and Tristan found a homeless guy in the bathroom. What were the odds?

"Are you sure he's homeless?" I asked him.

"I think so," Tristan told me. "He doesn't have any shoes on. He's only wearing socks, and there's a ratty gym bag outside of the stall. And he's, like, singing to himself."

"Ugh, OK. I'll call Mitch." As the office manager, it was my job to take care of such things. I called the maintenance guy, who said he'd be up right away to handle it.

Five minutes later, a group of three men were storming through the double doors in front of the reception desk where I sat. One of those men was R. Kelly.

"HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!" is what I was screaming in my head. But on the outside, I played it cool. R. had just moved into the recording studio down the hall from our office. Tristan recently saw him in the lobby, so I knew my own encounter with Kellz was imminent. Finally, it was happening.

R. Kelly rested his arm on my desk and leaned in close to my face. "Do we have a problem here?" he asked.

Oh no. That was not the pick-up line I was expecting. Also, I had no idea what he was talking about.

"What do you mean?" I managed to reply, stunned.

"In the bathroom," R. said. "Do we have a problem in the bathroom?"

Oh, shiiiiit: Tristan totally confused R. Kelly for a homeless person. And now it was my job to explain what happened to R. Kelly without actually telling him what happened (that Tristan thought he was homeless). Where was Celine Dion? Because I needed an angel.

"Oh, yeah. Uhhhh, my coworker said there was...suspicious activity going on in the bathroom —" Pro tip: Do not use the phrase "suspicious activity" around R. Kelly. He is not a fan.

"Suspicious activity? What kind of suspicious activity did he say was going on in there?" R. asked.

I was getting red and splotchy, a thing that happens any time I'm nervous or excited or being accosted by R. Kelly. "Well, he said the person didn't have shoes on... They were wearing socks —"

R. Kelly hoisted his shoeless foot onto my desk, pointed to it and asked, "You mean these socks? Since when is wearing socks in public illegal?" This is when I noticed that R. Kelly was not only wearing socks, but also silk pajamas and a robe...as one is wont to do in a professional office building at 10:30 a.m. on a Wednesday.

This was not going well at all. I was so nervous, and R. Kelly was so mad. Instead of him yelling at me, I imagined my first chance meeting with Kellz going much smoother: I would see him running for the elevator, and I'd stick my hand out to hold the doors for him. He'd get on and nod his head thanks. The air would be thick with sexual tension as the silent car descended to the lobby. We'd pass each floor... 7… 6… 5… 4… Right before the doors opened, I would make my move. "Just to let you know," I'd say with a subtle arch of the brow, "'Ignition (Remix)' was my ringtone all of freshman year." Kellz would turn his head, wink, blow me a kiss, and vanish into a cloud of Cognac-scented smoke. The "I'm a Flirt" remix would play as the credits rolled.

"It's not illegal," I reassured R. Kelly about his socks. "And I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but you have to understand it's my job." I had no idea where these words were coming from. "If my coworker says there's a problem in the bathroom, I have to do something." Rules are rules, R. Kelly.

"OK, and I respect that. I understand that," R. said as he started to calm down. "But you need to understand that what that man did to me — what that man did to me — was illegal! That is an invasion of privacy!"

"OK —"

"I have 10 lawyers!" Kellz declared. "One for every situation!"

Obviously. In 2002, a video surfaced that allegedly showed R. Kelly having sex with (and urinating on) an underage girl. He was indicted and later arrested, but in 2004, the charges were dropped. It's the thing people might remember most about R. Kelly. That, and all 33 genius chapters of his hip-hop oeuvre "Trapped in the Closet."

John Gara for BuzzFeed


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This Old Photo Of Young Conan O'Brien, Louis CK, And Bob Odenkirk Is Amazing

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Louis appeared on Conan last night, and the pair reminisced about the old, ridiculous days. One of them was a bully!

To celebrate the 20th anniversary of his first hosting a talk show, the seemingly ageless Conan O'Brien invited old friend and original Late Night writer Louis CK for some reminiscing about the bumpy, terrifying, and now retro-glorious early days.

With Emmys on their shelves and big, safe contracts on which they could count, the duo were able to laugh about the heady times on NBC, the network that both gave them a chance and then constantly threatened them with cancellation. On the set of TBS' Conan, which is the third show hosted by the towering goofball, O'Brien and CK enjoyed discussing failed jokes and audience hostility, bringing up bombs like a fake ad for coins so old "you could buy slaves with them," which Louis bullied Conan into including in one of those early, Tonight Show-spoofing segments.

O'Brien presented a photo of his original Late Night writing staff, which now looks like a legendary bench of future talent. Along with Conan and Louis, it included Breaking Bad and Mr. Show's Bob Odenkirk, trusty sidekick and sitcom veteran Andy Richter, SNL genius Robert Smigel, ubiquitous writer Dino Stamatopoulos (you may best know him as Starburns from Community), and several other heavy hitters.

CK was the only guest on the show Thursday, which led to several other segments, including stories about failing with Gwyneth Paltrow and his acting tips ("I know how to do it now").


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Peter Dinklage Sings With A Surprisingly Majestical Voice On "Sesame Street"

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You Will Not Believe How Much Weight The Host Of "Man Vs. Food" Lost After He Quit Doing The Show

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Turns out, if you eat a lot of food all the time, you’ll gain a little bit of weight.

So you know that show on Travel Channel Man Vs. Food?

So you know that show on Travel Channel Man Vs. Food ?

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And you know its host, Adam Richman?

And you know its host, Adam Richman?

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It's safe to say he likes food a lot.

It's safe to say he likes food a lot.

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So, this is Adam Richman in May, a month after Man Vs. Food's last episode.

So, this is Adam Richman in May, a month after Man Vs. Food 's last episode.

Slaven Vlasic / Getty Images


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The 17 Most Inexplicable Comments On Beyoncé's Instagram Of Blue Ivy’s Toe

9 Ways To Take A Celebrity Selfie As Shown On The "Romeo And Juliet" Red Carpet

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Selfies never looked so good.

Work your angles with a smoldering stare for dramatic effect.

Jay Manuel — America's Next Top Model

Work your angles with a smoldering stare for dramatic effect.

Position yourself in the corner of your pic if you want to show off your surroundings.

Vinessa Shaw — Hocus Pocus

Position yourself in the corner of your pic if you want to show off your surroundings.

Go for a tilt snap to let everyone know you're having a real fun time.

Al Roker — Today Show

Go for a tilt snap to let everyone know you're having a real fun time.

Make funny IDGAF faces because you're cool and down-to-earth.

Harvey Fierstein — Mulan

Make funny IDGAF faces because you're cool and down-to-earth.


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21 Celebrity Instagrams You Need To See This Week

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22 Reasons Krysten Ritter Is The Girl Crush To End All Girl Crushes

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Go ahead, trust the b****! She’s a total goddess.

First things first, Krysten Ritter is adorable.

First things first, Krysten Ritter is adorable.

In a totally undeniable way.

Like, effortlessly adorable.

Like, effortlessly adorable.

I've never wanted to eat and simultaneously dance more in my entire life.

Via tumblr.com

The fun kind of adorable!

The fun kind of adorable!

Ritter is secretly dangerous, like, you might hurt yourself, but you're going to have a great time doing whatever she suggests.

Via tumblr.com

You hate everybody. She hates everybody more.

You hate everybody. She hates everybody more .

And is creative in her hatred.

Via google.com


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The 5 Highest-Earning Celebrity Couples Of 2013

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Who made the list this year??

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, $30 million

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, $30 million

Even though they refused to take a paycheck from the tabloids to debut their baby North, Kim reportedly makes $10 million per year for just doing her thing.

Steve Mack / Getty Images

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis, $35 millon

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis, $35 millon

Kutcher takes in a reported $650,000 per episode of Two And A Half Men — making him the highest-paid television actor in Hollywood — and Kunis makes that $$ from movies like Oz The Great and Powerful this past year and probably also makes some decent cash from the multitude of Family Guy and That '70s Show reruns that can be found on TV at any moment.

Kevin Winter / Getty Images

Bratt Pitt and Angelina Jolie, $50 million

Bratt Pitt and Angelina Jolie, $50 million

All of Brangelina's giggly promotion did its job: World War Z earned $537 million worldwide. Meanwhile, Angelina raked in $33 million in entertainment-related earnings, making her Hollywood's highest-earning actress. She made $15 million alone for Maleficent which later cast their daughter Vivienne Jolie-Pitt at the rate of $3,000 per week.

Andreas Rentz / Getty Images

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen, $80 million

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen, $80 million

Gisele is the world's most top-earning model ($42 million this year!) and when Tom re-signed with the New England Patriots, he walked away with a $30 million signing bonus. Must be nice!

Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images


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The 10 Most Life-Changing Things Joseph Gordon-Levitt Said In His Reddit AMA

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Your world will never be the same .

We learned many things from Joseph Gordon-Levitt and his delightful Reddit AMA last night.

We learned many things from Joseph Gordon-Levitt and his delightful Reddit AMA last night.

LOOK AT HIS FACE.

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He writes Haikus about fapping.

He writes Haikus about fapping.

Michael Buckner / Getty

He's going to marry you, and it's going to be classy as hell.

He's going to marry you, and it's going to be classy as hell.

Kevork Djansezian / Getty

He's a cheeky little French-speaker.

He's a cheeky little French-speaker.

Jason Merritt / Getty


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The Most Fab And Drab Celebrity Outfits Of The Week

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You voted — here are the results.

4. Jenny McCarthy Attends The Annual BGC Charity Day In New York City

With 268 "FAB" votes.

4. Jenny McCarthy Attends The Annual BGC Charity Day In New York City

Jamie McCarthy / Getty Images / buzzfeed.com

4. Sarah Hyland At The Emmy Awards Week 2013 Kick-Off Party In L.A.

With 270 "FAB" votes.

4. Sarah Hyland At The Emmy Awards Week 2013 Kick-Off Party In L.A.

Frederick M. Brown / Getty Images / buzzfeed.com

3. Jennifer Aniston At The “Life Of Crime” Gala Screening In Toronto

With 282 "FAB" votes.

3. Jennifer Aniston At The “Life Of Crime” Gala Screening In Toronto

Mark Blinch / Reuters / buzzfeed.com


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Richard Simmons Made Spectacular Emmys Related Memes

These Benedict Cumberbatch Cupcakes Will Ease The Pain Of Him Not Winning An Emmy

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Delicious and adorable baked goods make everything better.

No, Benedict Cumberbatch didn't win an Emmy for his performance in Parade's End and that is a tragic thing.

No, Benedict Cumberbatch didn't win an Emmy for his performance in Parade's End and that is a tragic thing.

HBO / Parade's End

But these amazing Benedict Cumbercupcakes, made by a very talented fan in Indonesia, will make your night a little bit better.

But these amazing Benedict Cumbercupcakes, made by a very talented fan in Indonesia , will make your night a little bit better.

Via Twitter: @vereentjoeng

Many of Cumberbatch's previous appearances, including his Emmy-nominated role of Christopher Tietjens in Parade's End, also appear in cupcake form.

Many of Cumberbatch's previous appearances, including his Emmy-nominated role of Christopher Tietjens in Parade's End , also appear in cupcake form.

Via Twitter: @vereentjoeng

In case that wasn't enough, Cumberbatch's red carpet appearances are also displayed.

In case that wasn't enough, Cumberbatch's red carpet appearances are also displayed.

Via Twitter: @vereentjoeng


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An Extremely Uncomfortable Photo Of Lena Dunham Kissing Her Mom At The Emmys

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Awkward.

Jason Merritt / Getty Images

Jason Merritt / Getty Images

Jason Merritt / Getty Images

Jason Merritt / Getty Images


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